The Accountability of the Questions

This time last year, I found myself healing,  healing physically from a surgery that changed everything....  mostly in a very positive way but forcing me to realize that not all dreams come true in the way that you imagine.

This time forced me to stop,  halt,  in body but also causing stillness in soul and spirit.   Allowing the business to flee,  the mind to slow down so the spirit could hear.....

My soul continued to ask three questions,  persistent in the asking.... not allowing me to simply dismiss them as a breeze but persistent to make me  realize,  it was a whisper from deeper and higher, forcing me to address the subjects that I have wanted to dismiss because it meant to much energy,  more attention to me then I really wanted to give, even questioned if I knew how to give.   

Question 1:  Am I in a crisis of wonder?  Am I too overwhelmed with life and technology that I am not taking in the wonder?

Question 2:  Am I terrified in being inconveniently needed?

Question 3:  Am I being responsible or irresponsible with my body?

I knew when I wrote these questions down, I would be forced to answer them at the end of 2015, to be some how accountable for the reviewing.   Maybe not to share for all but at least have an accountability to myself.    I shared my questions with one friend,  Cara,  asking her to keep me accountable for the review.   She, like I,  are deep thinkers, our processors run full speed at all time with few people understanding what drives us.     So I knew she was the one I could share the provoking whispering questions to verify that it wasn't only my soul demanding the answers but the questions were being addressed to me from higher than myself.   And I knew she would not dismiss them or me from understanding the depth of  what I was being asked.  She validated the source of the questions....

I entered December knowing I would need to find time to provide answers,  to review my year,  this was unfamiliar to me, uncomfortable because I have spent so much time trying to forget past and live in present. And if I was to be honest,  survive the present that tended to want to steal dreams and desires and full of striving in the demand of business.

When I began processing the questions,  I wanted to dismiss them again, thinking they were simply a fleeing thought,  trying to find a way to not have to evaluate them.   Because in truth,  I wasn't sure where to begin to evaluate and honestly, I was afraid the answers would disappoint.  

Abba must have known when the questions were being given to me that I would find myself questioning the source and would need validation, yet again,  that I really did hear them from HIM.     So He provided me with a Christmas gift that would give me a source to review,  a tangible record of my 2015 year. 

We as a family draws names and we keep the name we draw secret until the reveal on Christmas night.   Normally we draw names on Thanksgiving prior to Christmas but this year was different,  we drew our names on Christmas 2014 for Christmas 2015.    This was the first time we had ever drew this way.   As I type this,  I realize again how ABBA knew,  and is confirming again, that this was from HIM.    My sister in law drew my name and for one year solid she has collected every picture,  quote, blog entry,  thought posted,  article forwarded and created me three books that lay out my 2015.    

 Courtney introduced them to me first by a letter that she wrote me that was wrapped in a box.   She wanted to validate the weight of the gift she was about to lay in my lap.    She wanted to me to understand that I had value,   that I was seen,  I was heard.     She knew that I sometimes questioned my value in this life and in my family.     She wanted me to understand and to look at what I experienced in this year of 2015.  

She had no clue of the questions that I had written down at the end of December 2014 for the year of 2015....

The wrestling with Abba to review  was real to me because I am a seeker of truth but yet at times fear truth because of what it exposes....  and what it will demand from me.... But in true God form,   when He wants something from us,   an action from us,  and it involves something that we don't feel we can do or possess what is required,  He always equips.....  always  provides....  manna is given so it can be taken in.....   digest.   

And in true form to who HE is,   He had someone keep notes of my year because He knew I would forgo taking my own in hopes of avoiding the answers.   I am not sure what Courtney received other than paper cuts and glue burns but what she gave has even more value than what she recognized in the giving.    

She told me that this gift was a small prelude to what I was to continue to write,  that it was time for me to write that book.

I still need to address the questions and I will,   those are future blog entries,  along with some the new set of questions He is developing in soul.  

God continues to heal my belief in HIM,  showing me that HE is always present and working out HIS plan but it is HIS timing,  HIS method.    In my conversations with HIM,  I have discussed with HIM, that I want to KNOW HIM and not be a Pharisee who lives my faith from head knowledge but to allow Him to transform me in true relationship, to allow that head knowledge to drip into my heart.   That the deepest parts of me would be filled with HIM,   that I would not be ruled by religion that has us categorize  HIM into Sunday living and Monday I slay my sisters with gossip and slander but to learn to be supportive and non judgmental.   To love like He does.  To be consistent in this walk.

This decision is what provoked the questions to start with....   seeking truth regardless of the rejection from those that don't understand the journey.   

I am blown away at how attentive He is,  how well and intimately HE really knows us....   how HE works in the back ground and foreground to show Himself to me,  to us...   This year may not have held what I thought I desired but it has shown me HIM.....   HIS LOVE....  That HIS gift are planned way ahead of time....   that our hearts only have to be open to receive them.

My plan is to sit with a hot cup of tea,  and or a glass of Mascato with book in hand and review the year He has given me and be open to the answers He will provide.   I have full assurance that they will be provided and they will be nothing like I envisioned,  but better because He was truly in the midst.