Role Play

It has been awhile since I have typed on these pages,   I have so much to say but honestly I have allowed fear to rule for a bit.   Afraid that people would use what I write against me.  Afraid of what people would think of me... It has happened in the past...    

Not sure why I just wrote all that other than to say it has been way to long...  and honestly I know ABBA has called me to write.... I just tend to convince myself that isn't from HIM but thankful His voice can be louder than our own when we allow it to be.     I am also tired of fear winning in my life and if I go to HIM with such great expectation to change things in my atmosphere,  HE expects me  to take steps.    The cool thing is that HE always meets me in the step.  Maybe meet is not the right word.  Maybe I should say HE is with me in the step,  He just wants me to be brave to take it.   To trust HE has called me too it. 

Yesterday I was reading a scripture and it hit me,  it was presented in the MESSAGE version so it was loud and clear.  

Find a quiet, secluded place

so you wont be tempted to role-play before God.

Just be there as simply and honestly

as you can manage.

The focus will shift from you to God,

and you will begin to sense His grace.

Matthew 6:6

The word role-play stuck out to me immediately.   I thought how often I play the part,  I rehearse how I think a conversation will play out.  Or I hit the play button and re-listen to a conversation that took place...   over and over again, to the point of exhaustion.   Mind exhaustion.    I started realizing how often I do this,   I think it happened at least 100 times on my drive to church today.  

I asked ABBA why do I do this....   Its a form of control,  my feeble attempt at control.   He just wants honest dialogue from me,  instead of repeating the conversations that are not life conversations but only purpose to steal, kill and destroy my peace.     Instead of role playing,  HE wants me to share why these conversations are playing in my head.  What is bothering me about them.   Then allow HIM to speak into them.   To remove the tape or provide clarity of direction.

I think of how often we listen to the tapes that tell us we are not good enough,  that we have missed HIS will,  we have failed HIM.   But honestly those are all lies playing and stealing.  When in truth He doesn't have that kind of relationship with us,  and when we think all those things we are diminishing HIS grace offered to us. 

I think role-playing steals our peace....  it increases our anxiety and the battle that occurs in our mind.  We have so much we face in a day that wars to take space in our heads and our hearts.   I think the playing the part thing in a feeble attempt to try to keep peace but would quiet be the better response or reaction when faced with the situation that wants to download a conversation in our heads.   Would replacing the download with a download of reminders of WHO I belong too would be a better choice.    

Truth is I am tired,  bone tired of the tapes that have been placed in my head to listen too.   I try to rebut with HIS words and honestly I find ways to serve others in order to shut down the recordings.  Serving others brings peace to me but I know that He doesn't want just a remedy but He wants me to walk in freedom of fear of others opinions.   Free from the lies  the enemy wants to sell me.      This morning our worship team sang sort of a mash up of two songs,  one part of it,  was Michael W Smith song Surrounded.   I just started crying because this was the song that came on the radio yesterday that brought me to tears in the car.   We fight our battles with worship of HIM,  we think we are surrounded by all the words and opinions of those thrown at us but in truth we are SURROUNDED by HIM.     He fights the battles,  we simply worship the ONE battling on our behalf.  

I know that HE will get me to where I need to be.... I just need to make the decision to follow HIS voice rather than all those that do not have my best in mind.    He is our Defender,  He is Protector,  He is our DADDY.   He holds the role in my heart and not the character that I am role-playing from my attempt at control.     

I don't spill all this out for comments of prayer because honestly,  I know I am not the only one that is a great role-player.   I tell you all this to say,  hi, my name is Ginger and I am addicted to approval but I know this much,  He is changing this for me.     We wont walk in perfection on this side, but we should look more and more like HIM everyday.    Plus,  the only approval I need is from HIM and He reminds me that I already have it....