Rescue

If asked what my largest struggles spiritually have been in the  past,  I would say belief in who and what HE is and what HE does....   and what does rescue look like.  

I was a cocky believer,  you know the type.   Those who grasp on one aspect of their spiritual life and therefore believes  that they have it all right....   living this spiritual life to perfection.   That I got this....  I can pray it out,  I go to service two or more times a week.    I got this.   I don't drink, smoke or run with those that do.  (Note:  this is a description of my past not my now)    I could look down my nose with the best of them.   

Then HE got my attention on multiple levels....  

It started when I started walking with a friend through a divorce that included domestic violence on multiple levels.   When I entered in walking this out I was that cocky believer.  Knowing that HE would fix it,  pick it up,  dust it off and everyone would ride off on the white horse happily ever after and I would feel good about it and proud of how HE handled it.    The rescue would be breath taking and beautiful.   Evil would be put in its place and everyone would walk away with not even the smell of smoke from the battle on them. 

Needless to say this isn't what happened.....   if reviewed and critiqued from the outside, one would say that evil actually won in this situation.   Justice was not served....  not only does the clothes smell of smoke they are torn,  dirty, bloody and at point barely hanging on.... for the battle has been long, exhausting and expensive....  not only monetarily but from the heart.....  

I am thinking we are on year 8 but she can tell you in days.....   I know this because I heard this in the last hearing in September.   She quoted the days....  my heart sank because the quoting of the days indicate the depth of the battle for my friend..... 

I wont give you the details of her situation because I would want to talk with her and make sure I had them perfected because it is a story....  it is a testimony on how the rescue envisioned and dreamed and pleaded for never really happened in the manner hoped for and expected.    I guess rescued came because breath is still going in and out of lungs but not in the hopes and ways desired and pleaded for in many hours of prayer....   

It didn't come......

And this wrecked me spiritually and totally changed her.   She is a hero to me because she survived and though she hides her struggle from most on most days,  she uses this to do and help other in varied situations.   But all involved have been changed.   

I want to talk about rescue.    

We are conditioned,  or at least I was and I have discovered that most have, to believe in the happily ever after in our faith.   That we petition God and wait for HIM to answer it exactly how we ask and how we dream it to be.     We basically treat HIM like the genie in our midst.   We start quoting scripture about HIM giving us the desires of our hearts and wait....  and when it doesn't happen we get angry with HIM.  Start blaming HIM for everything that isn't right in our worlds and every instance that we face that is painful and hurtful,  we start shaking our finger at HIM saying where were YOU.  Why didn't you stop this and make it fit my dream,   my visual mapping of how this suppose to be...

We turn our backs to HIM and place faith on the shelf.   All because the rescue didn't look like we dreamed it to be,  it didn't meet our expectations....      I didn't really turn my back,  but I did stop communicating with HIM.   I continued to attend service but could only see the performance of those around me.   Raising hands on Sunday but couldn't get out of bed on Monday....   I could only see the performance, I was desperate to see real.....   and honestly,  I wasn't sure what real looked like but I could see performance a mile away....   

One Sunday I was sitting in a pew,  this was after a church split where the performance was split in many directions....  people who said they were your friend no longer communicate with you.... more performance and still no rescue.    As I sat in that pew, I felt a deep loneliness in the midst of a crowd, I heard a whisper, are you done yet?  Yes, yes I am...  I got up in the middle of the service and left.  This started a three month sabbatical for me from organized religion and the beginning of the journey of seeking real relationship and what this is suppose to be and look like.     I am still on this journey.

I stepped off the performance stage when the disappointment from lack of being rescued opened the eyes of my heart.      We don't want to go through things,  we want the miracle of being pulled out of the situation without getting dirty or experiencing any pain.   We want the rescue without having to battle or journey.   Or at least I do....   But I am learning that those kinds of rescues are rare.... and really are miracles in themselves.....    Most times the rescue comes in the form of walking the situation out and allowing HIM to change the heart to the point of never turning back change.   Getting dirty from the throwing ourselves down in the dirt with tears and sweat covering us and pleading for help and rescue.   To still the storm.    But getting up and dusting off and taking another step,  another breath with confidence that HE is with us.... walking with us....

I had lunch with a dear friend in November,  we were talking about the journey and the expectation that we shouldn't have to struggle, suffer because we are followers of Christ.  How this is a distorted view,  because in truth we are called to carry the cross,  and as my friend plainly stated,  we are called to grasp the very nails that penetrated HIS hands on the cross.  Those bloody dirty hands... we are called to get bloody and dirty just like HIM.   Because He calls us to pick up and carry the cross, not a different cross that is light and easy but the very cross HE carried.   

He wasn't rescued.....  HE even cried out for the rescue from GOD but knew HE had to go through with the suffering because it was through HIS suffering we receive the ultimate rescue if we believe in who HE is and what HE did for us....    He didn't receive the miracle or pass card from the crucifixion but HE also wasn't alone in the process.  HE walked it out, every step of the way,  with every lashing,  blood, dripping,  dirt sticking, tear shed, HE walked it out in order that I may have life.....     He wasn't rescued because the price that was paid brought life.... and maybe when He tells me to embrace the suffering in this life I will also find HIM, life in the midst....  

I am currently walking with and through the desperate desire for rescue with a couple of friends,  rescued for a loved one who suffers from a disease that will claim life,  rescue from injustice of a system that is so broken,  that embraces lies over the truth,  that allow evil to walk out of its court unpunished and the innocent taking on the punishment that didn't belong.   I myself seeking rescue from the bites of hypocrisy and healing from disappointment from so many things and people.... and challenged to keep my eyes on HIM.     

I believe completely that HE hears every cry for rescue,  in the cries that ask and plead for justice,  for peace in the storm,  He heard the disciples,   He heard HIS SON,  but sometimes the rescue comes after the walking the sea,  it comes in the process of walking in suffering, carrying the cross.   Walking it out step by step and allowing for life to come into the spirit rather than excepting death as the total outcome.   So we keep praying,   we keep pleading but we also receive HIS peace and trust HIM for walking this out with us.....  

Abba,

I find that when I am thankful for what I see

and what I am walking through,

I find Your peace.

When it looks cloudy and I can't see the SON,

this doesn't mean YOU are hidden from me

or distant.

It means you are closer than the sun hidden from

kissing my skin.

Closer than even the breath that caresses

my lungs.

You have the deepest of understanding of the pain of the journey

YOU understand the desperate need and cries for

a rescue from the this place,

from the situations and disappointment that want to sink me

spiritually. 

Your ear is turned to me....

You hear my cries

my pleading.

YOU whisper, not in cracking of thunder,

not in writings on billboards

but whisper deep in my soul.

Trust me daughter, trust me...

My love is not based on your performance....

not on you serving.

Not conditional.

But simply given because I AM LOVE.

MY ways are not your ways.

Trust ME