Crisis of Wonder

I heard a sermon a few weeks back and what stuck out to me is the 90/10 rule,  how most people  post the 10% moments,  the ones that scream my life is perfect,  I have it together....   I am adventurous and exciting.   I serve my community,   feed the hungry,  and zip line all in one weekend and still get my laundry completed.   

I know that is exaggerating but the point is we post the high mountain top experiences which in truth are not the majority of our life experiences,  it is learning to live in the 90% where real life happens.    In hearing and digesting that sermon,  I thought about the question I have been asking myself for a year,   am I in a crisis of wonder. 

Social media sets the bar high on the wonder scale,  people only post the highlighted moments that will generate the most likes or attention.   We are motivated by the number and once you see all these highlighted moments,  you begin to question your world,  your 10% seems more like .001% compared to others. 

I was determined in this last year, to find wonder in the everyday.   I met a guy named Chase,  he woke up every day for one year solid and watched a sunrise,   the next year he decided that he wanted to watch the sunrise with other people, specifically individuals that normally do not take that time to watch the sky.    I ran into him at the beach one morning when I woke up prior to the sun,  poured a cup of coffee and grabbed my Cannon and went out to watch the show.   I have always made time to watch the sun rise at the beach,  one of my favorite days is to catch the sunrise, then go to the sound side of the outerbanks and watch it set.   Both with hoodies over our head,  watching the start,  he approached me,  told me his story and asked me what I saw in watching the sun rise,  how did it speak to me.    I didn't comprehend this as being odd or out of place,  it seemed like a conversation with an old friend, so I took this as a divine appointment.

It was through this conversation that I realized that I was so busy and so focused on life that I wasn't taking time to see the wonder that may be surrounding me.  

I questioned if the wonder was reserved for the 10% moments or was it something that I could seek and find in my daily life.   Is wonder no longer an option for me because I am childless and the moment, spouseless....    Does wonder rely on being with other people or is it something that is personal to the individual. 

Is it something that Abba could give me as a gift from HIM....   Is it something that He could use to bring life and joy on a more consistent basis to me....


So I looked up the definition of wonder, and what  jumped out to me first is the ability to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe;  marvel.... 

I made a determined effort to find wonder in each of my days, and I will tell you this was not an easy accomplishment when so much and so many in your environment want to damage and steal your exposure to seeing good in a day or a situation.             

 One Sunday in January,   I skipped service, choosing to take a ride with God, needing some time to be still and listen, placing my camera in my passenger seat I started driving.  

I remembering pulling over and taking a look at the scene that was surrounding me.

I was emotional,  knowing that my wonder had been damaged by people,  situations,  schedule demands,  did I mention people?   

Tears never came easy but because of the shift in my physical body,  tears were easier to show

themselves....   I felt for the first time in a long time that crying was acceptable,  healing.   Needed.  So I allowed them to flow.    I allowed myself to take in His wonder.  

I felt Him beckoning me to look up,  to look forward and to let the past remain where it needed to be,  in the past.  

I felt compelled to begin to release the expectations I had held so high for my life and what it should look like and to begin releasing unmet desires and to take in the moments that presented themselves so readily,  allowing HIM to redefine what this life should look like and to learn to live by allowing HIM to define  what is true wonder and what is truly a thief of life.  I would like to say I am graduate with this lesson but it is continual,   I am still learning, still allowing.   

 I am learning that wonder comes in many, many forms,  it comes in a little one that calls you GEGE and though I love being called JiJi by my nieces and nephews,   her calling me GEGE makes me melt and hope that she never changes that title she has given me. 

Watching her go from crawling, to walking and finally trying out those legs for running has been a wonder for me.

Seeing her smile makes my heart melt and my heart is full of wonder when she reaches her arms up and wants me to lift her up in my arms.

My heart was filled in wonder when the 6 year old runs to great you when you walk in their door to tell you he loves Jesus and wants to be Baptized.     He is Peter Parker for hours of his day but he had understanding what this decision means, he was taking the decision seriously and wanted

everyone in his world to know what this meant to him,  so when he asked if I would be present to watch, to witness,   there was no question.   I wouldn't miss it.    I stood in amazement as he said with confidence that he knew what this act meant and it was time for him.  

Again the tears showed themselves.....

I was in wonder as the oldest boy child wanted me to listen to him play the bass.   He was self taught.   I was looking for a repeat of my learning the violin where  earplugs were a necessity but he was amazing.  Leaving me with my mouth open.

I was amazed on how he went from being shorter then me, to standing even, to surpassing within months.   

 I was amazed in watching the 8 year old ride his scooter, then his skateboard, then his bike over jumps most adults would not try,   when I asked him if he was ever afraid,  he told me no JiJi,  I am like Jesus.  

This 8 year old is the determined one,  very persistent in nature,  but he grabs my heart in wonder because I relate to what drives him.   The not letting go but being determined to conquer.    He is the one like me,   up,  dressed and ready to go.   Not always knowing what to do with a lazy day because the outside beckons him, calls his name. 

The oldest one has been a source of wonder for me for years,  she is drawn to the uncommon,   the rare.....   Her heart is beautiful,  her perspective is different then the norm.    I wonder at her beat that she walks too, because is challenges me that being different and unique is a beautiful quality to embrace.    

I found through out this year that I began to look up on a daily basis,  always looking toward home but learning I was looking to the source of where my help comes from....   There were more days that I found beauty in the sky then not....  

I know it may be silly,   I know some will not understand or think I am a few bricks short but I began to believe that He was giving me these sky views personally.     I would have a difficult day and look up and see the light shining through the clouds and feeling reminded that His light is unescapable,   that to hide from Him is impossible,   that He sees me in the darkest of days and in the days when it all feels right.

I would be in awe,  causing me to stop where I was walking,   pull over when I was driving and
take it in for a moment.     Just watch the cloud and sun do a dance.  Being reminded of the Creator,   reminded to stop,  breath and release what was determined to steal the marvel of the day,  of Him.    

I think I looked up more this year then my past years combined since I was a child.    I found that looking up brought air to my soul,  sunshine to my heart when there was such a struggle, a wrestle within to allow darkness too steal it all. 

I found that when I was internally wrestling the hardest, HE would give me beauty to heal my soul. 

It was in the looking up I would recall His word the most.   The recall of scripture would come flowing through my spirit reminding me,  whispering to me words of life to combat the assault that can be daily waged when walking this life out.     It has always amazed me to recall scripture because memorizing HIS word has always been difficult to me.  But He has been so faithful to combine HIS beauty with HIS word to me. 

I could continue to write this post regarding a crisis of wonder, because He has been so faithful to show me that wonder comes in many forms,   it comes in the Creator first and foremost and it only becomes a crisis for me when wonder is shown in its doubt form,   when I think the world is too much for me to deal with,  and I choose to ignore Him in showing me that He ever present in my day.   

 I will end this post with an example of His faithfulness in wanting me to be wonderstruck on a daily basis.  

One morning I was getting myself together to go to work,   I was feeling drained and tapped out from human expectations,   demand,  selfishness....    I was communicating the damage my soul was feeling to God,   whining if you will,  telling Him more than talking that I felt bitten,   chewed on,   damaged from human selfishness and did He actually see me. 

I looked out the window, newly out of the shower,  towel on my head and still communicating my feelings.   Grumbling. 
Leaving no room for God to tell me to stop.  To let go.....  Not even open to being in wonder.  then I took notice...  the sky was completely covered in color,  everywhere I looked I saw the sky painted in color.   I grabbed my phone and went out to the back yard.  Stood in the middle, blown away that color was in the north, the south, the east and west.   One side showed the oranges, the dark pinks and the silhouettes of the clouds then the other showed the blues and the pinks. 

  Every side reflected color and beauty.   I found myself spinning around and around taking it in.  Blown away.   Claiming it as a gift specific to me yet being shared with anyone willing to stop and take it in.    

When I finally went back in to finish the task of preparing to depart,   I stopped by the window again to take one more look and it was gone.  In just moments it was erased from the sky.     I looked at my pictures to confirm what I had just witnessed.   Being confirmed again in my heart that I was being  given a gift of wonder,   a reminder that He has this and me.   That my grumbling turned into a peace that He has this day and more importantly me.   

I think the question asked 365 days earlier will be a question that I will continue to ask myself in the next 366 days.  I believe that through His gift of wonder to me in either sky art, humans, or what ever form it is given,  I have to be willing to accept with open hands,   open heart and open eyes.    I have to choose His wonder over the things and individuals that want to steal it.      I have to be content in the 90% and not allow others 10% to throw me into a crisis of awe....  

Abba,  may each day be filled with wonder,  may You give me eyes to see it,   ears to hear it and willingness to take it in.    May I choose Your wonder over anything that wants to place me in a crisis of awe.   May this year I continually look up.  Thank you ABBA. 

Ginger