7-7-19
This world is so difficult, so difficult that shutting down, hunkering down seems to be the safest decision. But I know that isn't the answer either but safest, yes, but it steals in a different way. Isolation isn't the answer either. We were created for community and fellowship. There was a scene in the movie where Kara's kitchen was full of friends, they were eating and hanging out, when she got tired she went upstairs to lay down but her friends continued to hang out. That is what she wanted. There was no performance in her actions. She wanted her friends to commune. Almost like she was building a support system for her support system.....
There are several quotes that I find stirring my soul, this one seems like the first to start with "Life is not easy, and if we wait for a time without hardship before engaging with others, we may never form relationships" I don't think my issues is forming relationships, I know a lot of people, I have multiple surface level relationships and the ones that were deeper I have managed to push to an arms length. I am sure they wonder why, but again it seemed easier. It wasn't intentional but from a place of exhaustion, fear, and as one of these dear friends has told me in the past, I had used up my reserve and was on empty in the giving department. I have been chatting with ABBA a lot about this.... knowing that it isn't what HE wants for me. But here is some true transparency, I find it difficult to find community, I sometimes don't belong, I am not a member of the mom club, or the wife club. Honestly, that makes it difficult. It shouldn't but it does. I am thankful for the friends who do not see that lack and accept me for who I am. People say these clubs don't exist but they do. I don't want to go down this road any further because I could but it isn't the purpose of this post. This post is about an awakening.
My awakening.
This has been so gradual, not all at once, I think Jesus knew I would never recognize it, or accept it if was a sudden revelation. It was and is a gradual experience.... from some of the most unlikely places.... the enemy of our soul is gradual in his attacks so that we find ourselves in a pit, not realizing or know how we got in the darkest of places. His goal is for us to just accept it as our norm. Even though God can sweep in and change the situation in an instant, I am not sure with this I would have or could accept it. I would dismiss it as a fluke. The gradual causes me to put the experiences, the readings, the pieces together and begin to see the actual picture.
This documentary was about a young woman who was going through the process of fighting cancer and then accepting that the fight was complete but choosing to love well, to take the long good bye with her husband, her kids, her family, her friends. She showed her love for JESUS in a real way. A true way. I think my experiences at hospice caused me to pause and take this in as I was watching, my mom asked my why I watch stuff like this, that it is too sad. Depressing. I told her that I watch because I learn to live differently. That there are people who are fully alive but living as a dead person and then there are individuals who know they are dying and choose to live completely. That I want to learn to live fully.
So here is the thing, I have had some experiences lately that have really shown me, I have just been existing. Not fully living. Allowing individuals to steal my joy from me because of their decisions and expectations but that isn't how God wants it. They may choose their life but I do not have to allow other peoples decisions to impact my choice to live. That God doesn't expect me to allow everyone in my community, Here is another Kara quote "When we show up for one another, we invade each other in love and become witnesses to the truth, that trials and sickness and pain are not the whole story. There is more, so much more" True relationships you will experience all these thing but you will see the whole story, not just the tears or demands, but you will share laughs and the joys of each others existence. And it isn't about marital status, wealth, position, or what some one can give you but its about loving well when none of these exist. Ann VasKamp has a quote that rings true, "You love as well as you're willing to be inconvenienced" I use to do this well but I have allowed the world and ugliness of it to steal it. Ginger, you can not be inconvenienced or love well in isolation. I have to step out of this isolation and allow myself to be a part of this community that I am longing for....
I am hoping I can share some of my adventures on this blog, writing is just one area that I stopped living because of fear and isolation. I have allow peoples opinions to take or provoke fear. I want to share some of my experiences in hope that I can help someone else to choose to live fully. To allow the awakening.
I felt like God led me to a conversation this weekend. This gentlemen loved to write and draw, he was older and was sharing with me some of his experiences, his story. Honestly, he was like checking out a real life library book. He showed me some of his drawings, his writing, his plans for future writing. We had a deep theological conversation, when we were winding down our time, he looked at me and told me that he had never met a women that could hold these conversation. He said to me that he had never met a woman like me, that most see there service in cooking meals, cleaning, baby sitting. That I was a different kind of woman, he asked me how I became so different, I laughed and told him, that no one ever told me that I couldn't. He was a masculine version of me, I love to a lot of the same things he did. To drawl, to read, to write and no one ever told me this was a wrong thing. When I walked away, I smiled because it was the first time that I felt fully accepted in my quirkiness, my uniqueness. I knew it was just another small piece that God was giving me. That HE truly does make us unique, and quirky, each one of us. And HE loves those parts of us, HE is very fond of this quirky girl.
Until next time...
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