7-14-19

So week two of this new walk, or decision,   week one of making it public....   I need to confess something, at 7:30 on Monday morning I felt empowered,  like this was a complete victory and conquered,   by 8:30 I could have crawled under my desk and cried.   Feeling like a failure.   I am one of those individual that cut potatoes,  tomatoes in perfect matching sizes.  Meaning perfection is my gift and my enemy,  so not conquering this decision to truly live by 8:30 on Monday morning felt like a failure to me.  But that was my opinion and not Gods view of it.   He is trying to teach me this is going to be a life long journey.    He if so so faithful, more than I ever deserve.   

He sent me nuggets along the way this week,  encouragement in the most unusual ways and places, but I  realized I had to be open to see them.... to hear them....  This weeks nuggets:

"You need to be you and not apologize for being you"

You see He,  likes me,  He loves me,  He wants me to love me.   There are so many voices that want to scream titles,  labels at you.   Who have been screaming things at you for years,  honestly decades and thought you had to accept them as truth.  Believe them as fact.  But He says differently and even asks whose report are you going to believe  daughter?  son? Mine who sees all,  hears all,  knows all or the individuals that are screaming from a broken place themselves, are blinded or unaware of the fact that they are blinded.   

Kind of keeping to the theme,  there was a Toby Mac meme that said

"Maybe we should stop disliking people for what we have heard and be grateful God does not dislike us for what HE knows"

This slays me because I have done this and have been the victim of it.  It is painful when you walk up to or past a conversation and you know its about you.   People see it has interesting information but the person who is being the topic,  its painful and hurtful.   I have been on both sides, actually just this week but ABBA kept reminding me that HE too heard it,  HE too saw it.   It brings you to your knees in repentance  but it brings peace to know that HE will vindicate you,  He will do it in a way that you may never see but HE gives you peace in knowing HE will take care of it.  He wants you to continue to make the right decisions,  love regardless.   Love is not a word,  it is truly an action.   Repentance is making a different decision.  A different action when everything in you screams to do something else.   He is faithful.   Even when I choose from a place of flesh rather than spirit.   He doesn't become critical.      He doesn't demand perfection.   Just allowing HIM to be a part of the process.  And as reminded also this week,   HE is with both the one doing it and the one who is the victim.    He loves both involved and really wants this to be different for both.   

"He puts gifts in other people for me to enjoy and not be jealous of it"  Joyce Meyers

He is teaching me to appreciate the uniqueness of other peoples lives,   to take it in and enjoy.  This week alone I read a friends dream that was so incredible that it moved my heart.   I cheered on another friend who was taking a trip I would love to have been on.   I took in the beauty of a family who was saying a final goodbye as a family yet creating new memories.  It was incredible and beautiful.     You see,  each of the individuals have gone through some tremendous crushing seasons,  seasons that would  take you out as a person,  as a family,  but God was giving a new season,  making wine from the crushing, (Thank you Pastor TD Jakes for sharing that picture and message)  ABBA truly does make fine wine from our crushing seasons,  we have to choose not to allow the crushings to become vinegar. 

"You do what you have to do.  That's sorta the definition of a decent human being" Dr Laura

I love Dr Laura,  she speaks from a place that I hope to only one day obtain,  she could care less how you think about her but she is going to speak absolute truth to you.   I catch her a lot on the elliptical at the gym.   It is empowering.  LOL      This line was huge,  you choose to do the right thing regardless,  you choose what is right.  Who cares what the other guys chooses.  They will not stand with you and you will not stand with them when this all over.   It is individual accountability.   It is easier to pull others into it but that isn't living,   that is escapism and honestly fear at its best.   Dr Laura gave me another nugget this week,  When relationships are not reciprocated,  it really isn't a relationship,  it is simply staying out of a guilty obligations.   I think that is more draining than being alone....   Dr Laura said release it and its okay to tell them why you are releasing them...  LOL  I may have to work on that last part but what freedom does it bring.   God gave me another reminder, just because somebody falls in love with you and you don't fall in love with them doesn't make you a bad person, give yourself release.    That was such a freedom statement.   Giving yourself a release, having permission to release a lover and even friendship.   

I have so many other nuggets I could share from just this week,  I use feel bad about enjoying these nuggets,  but not any longer.  You see,  I know this is ABBA GOD's way of speaking to me,  reminding me that HE is with me.    His guiding me and directing me.   Getting permission to be who HE created from the beginning.   

I love watching the surfers,  paddle boarders, and kite surfers at the ocean.  I take boo coos of pictures,  including the one above.   You see, they are living their best life.  They are choosing the adventure over opinion.  They are sometimes with other people but it is their adventure,  their moment.  This is part of living to me.   Living my best life by doing what HE called me to do, maybe sharing it with my people,  and other times,  just taking in the moment with HIM.

Lets see what this week holds.   My prayer is to open my hands in both releasing to HIM and receiving what HE has for me.   This journey is go to be lengthy,  maybe a life time but I am cheering myself on this week,  I could stop and settle or I can trust HIM.