Dad Journey
Today is November 14,2021 and we are in week three of this journey with dad. The shift was so quick, and I find myself asking the question, how can things change in a moment. This picture was take maybe 4 or 5 weeks ago, he knew I was coming home with new glasses and he saw me pull up. He jumped out of the house to greet me with these sunglasses on, wanting me to see he has new glasses too. What made i funny was his peeking his head around the corner of the house to see if I was looking for him. I always looked for him because he always would jump out and greet me. To see if I had anything I needed carried in because he always wanted to help me. It has been three weeks since I have seen my dad jump up and walk where he wanted without assistance of a walker. He can't come outside to help though in his heart, I know that is what he wants to do. I know it grieves him to see me doing what he once did, including carrying everything in.
The change was so so quick... he got up one Monday morning early, and fell and hit his head on the sink beside the commode. He hit hard and there was blood on the sink. His head still carries the scab from three weeks ago. I ran into their room immediately and mom was with him. He just kept asking what happened. And then where was he.... that is when it started. That was the moment. He had three more falls that week before we realized that something was going on that we could not explain.
A call to a friend brought us a walker, he did not hesitate to use it. Then a decision to go to the hospital. We took him but because of Covid, we had to leave him. They refused to let us in. I sat in the parking lot with my mom for an hour. Hoping and waiting. It wasn't until a person they go to church with told us to go home. He would keep us posted. They admitted him. We knew things had to change, were changing but we did not know to what level....
On that Friday, I called the hospital and was told we could bring dad home but that he was in a wheelchair and was not get out of it to walk. No explanation was given and honestly, I was shocked. I didn't think to ask questions. I can hear the critics now but I would pose the question, how would you have reacted if it was your dad, or someone that was a superhero strong person in your life and all of sudden they were not that person. If you still judge my response, then that is on you and I honestly pray that you never experience this.
We brought him home, he was so confused, so weak. But my brother came by and his wife was here helping us with the house. He wanted to stay up to see them. But finally needed rest. But honestly that night was very restless for him.
Mom and I were talking Saturday morning, we were not sure how we were going to do this, caregiving. My mom has her own struggles and I wasn't ready to cross a modestly line with my dad. Though by this point I have been told one day I will have too and would if push comes to shove. People say a lot when it isn't their superhero they are watching wilt from them. My mom texted both my brothers. My little brother came immediately and helped us, he came that next morning as well. My older brother came that Sunday and stayed almost two weeks with us.
Today, it is me and my mom. Honestly, I am trying to navigate this new norm for us. I do not want my dad to see the sorrow that is surface for me. My brothers get to live their lives and choose their time here, but I live here. Though I would not be anywhere different, my heart aches because of the situation. Dad has his humor and has developed some strength but no where he needs to be to be independent in life, much less his house adventures.
I haven't been to church in a month and no one from my church notices, my parents pastor is coming over this coming week to see dad and his friends from church call to check on him. My absence is not even noticed.
God I am wrestling this hard three weeks into this, I need YOUR peace because only You know the timeline of this current situation. I treasure each moment with my parents but the struggle hurts my heart. I am reminded that YOU draw close to the broken hearted, does that mean You are close. I choose to believe that YOU are and notice my absence where my church doesn't realize I am no even there.... It goes through my mind that they do not need me to serve so the quiet is the norm because I do not belong to the right group. There it is but it is my truth and it my hurt that I feeling. I feel alone in this process but I know that I am not, my faith is shaky because I need to see YOU in the midst. I know how to say the right words, to say I trust, I believe. But I so need to see YOU.
Help me ABBA to see You in this process, this place of my journey. I want to be sitting at the beach feeling the wind, smelling the sea, listening the waves crash. Just being. Dad wanted one more trip. I am not sure that will happen.... but only You know the answers to even the most trivial of questions.
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