The Confession

I pause and take in the sound of the violin playing....  echoing the cries of the one that is controlling the bow.    Such deep emotion being conveyed without one word being stated....  The heart cry being played, it feels intrusive.  Yet,  I keep listening because it echos the beat of my own heart..

Music expressing the emotion you can not find yourself being able to speak out loud.   If you speak it,  it will become more of a reality.   People want to label it depression but it is more like exhaustion.    Exhaustion from all the expectations they have for you,  without ever hearing the weight you are already carrying....  not really wanting to see it.  Not knowing you are processing the pain you took in from simply listening.

I am exhausted from emoji praying hands and crying faces.....  no words.    Just pictures.   I sometime think this is a subtle dismissal but not from a place of knowledge or real intent but just not having time to process what was really being said or requested.

I am tired of quick offense,   the expectation that you have to agree with everything being said or otherwise you are being insensitive.     I would be wrong to say I am not guilty of being quickly offended....  not pausing long enough to look at the whole picture but just seeing it from my perspective.     Guilty,   yes I am.    This world demands that everyone has an opinion and all of them are right.   Embrace.      Or you will be rejected,  and honestly that hurts too. 

I am tired of the expectation that we are to listen but never are you heard.   The heart is never really heard....   we grab a phone and then apologize because we had to answer it.   Saying to the person you are listening too,  you aren't as important as the person on the phone.

I am heart sick from all the busyness.... the empty busyness that takes over like kudzu growing on the side of the mountains,  overtaking every living thing.   Suffocating what is underneath its weight.   Allowing no room just stealing all the reserve.

I am not sharing any of this out of a desperate cry for help or a pity emoji.     I am sharing because I believe I am not alone in what I am experiencing.      When all this exhausting places pushes in, we take such desperate actions to find air or a moment to just breath.    We make crazy decisions in order to escape the weight,   or we try to numb it by ingesting drink, food, chemicals or giving ourselves away to the temporary escape.   

But here is the thing,   when I stop, and pause and cast it to HIM,   He turns it around.   He shows me the opposite perspective.     When I lay it down all my weariness in front of HIM,   He takes it.   I had a friend who recently sent me a message and asked me if I was okay,   she saw the weariness in my words.   I wasn't as upbeat, which is my norm.   I didn't share the details,  just simply stated that I was processing.    She wrote me back, encouraging me to give it to God.   That HE can handle it.   That it may get messy,  may be messy,  but HE can handle messy.    That even though the world labels,  discards,  He never will.    Her words were life giving to me.   She reached out,  she didn't need the details,  just that I was hurting,   and reminding me that HE can handle my hurt.    She wasn't ashamed to acknowledge her own struggle and how she realized that HE accepted her just the way she is....   her confidence is priceless. 

People seem too busy to hear the heart strings that are singing but He is never too busy.   He always knows when you have reached a point that taking the next step is becoming more than you can make.    You look out your window and you see a rainbow.   He knows His beauty heals the heart and encourages knowing you are seen and heard. 

He really is faithful.   More so than we are...

Our Pastor spoke on the importance of sabbath in our lives,  taking that day but he also stated there are seasons of sabbath.   He is entering into a one month sabbath with him family.  The first time ever doing this,  I respect him for making this decision.   Its encouraging.    While he was speaking today, I felt a stir in my heart,   that sabbath isn't just physical rest,  it is spiritual and soul rest.  I have become good at taking time to rest my body but I am horrible at allowing rest of my mind and soul.   I realize that is where the exhaustion I mentioned earlier is stemming from....  This needs to be a complete rest.   Laying down the worries,   the places of frustration,   the people,  laying them down and giving your complete being a rest. 

There is so much about HIM I do not understand,   so much about how this life turned out that I don't get but I can not find that peace that I am become desperate for, until I lay it down.   Become okay with the unanswered questions,   the unanswered prayers.    One of my favorite passages of scripture is in the last chapter of John,  when Jesus appears after his crucifixion to the seven disciples.   Peter was hurting,  wasn't sure what was next,  so he goes fishing.   They all go with him.   Peter returned to what he knew.   That caught nothing all night but at dawn, Jesus was standing on the beach,  they could not see who HE was,  Jesus called out, did you catch any fish?    No  they replied.   Jesus tells them to throw the net on the other side of the boat. They could not pull the net in because it was so full.   John said, that the LORD,  Peter jumped out of the boat and ran to the shore.    I am sure there was an embrace,  confession,  and forgiveness found.     When the others joined them,  there was breakfast made,   a charcoal fire,  fish cooking and bread.   There has to be BREAD.      Jesus didn't rebuke them,  didn't point a finger and tell them how wrong they were,   He didn't dismiss them but He served them fish and bread.  I would have to think coffee too  :)      There wasn't striving to please but fellowship.   Conversations that are not listed in the word.  They chose to abide in each other company.   No pointed fingers but discussion.     No distractions pure relationship.   That was what was more important.     There was a pause. 

I want to sit at the fire with HIM,  those HE places in my life,  and converse,  confess, seek forgiveness and forgive.    I want to hit the pause and listen to others.   I see the pain in eyes with lips speaking the lines of performance because that is what is expected.   I want to be the one that stops and listens,  serves the coffee and breaks the bread as we discuss with HIM in our midst.   I want those who have been  damaged by this world,  by religion,  to see there truly is peace in HIM.   That is isn't what they experience.    I want them to know it is okay to take the pause in body, spirit and mind and allow HIM to restore the fractures.    I am saying this as permission for myself.   It is okay. It's time.    To continue this race,   it is time.