My Forty Day Journey

It wasn't something I planned for,  yet I didn't take it lightly.   But I knew that my soul was  demanding a breath of air that was not tainted with anxiety or stress.   My eyes needed to read words that didn't have a tone of hatred or force me into an atmosphere of what if's.   I needed to hear the whisper of the ONE that created me and knows me at my most intimate level. 

He led me to scripture in Ezekiel where God tells him to prophesy to the graves,  that He will raise the dead places and speak life into them.  He will raise the dead and place them in Israel.  He was whispering to me, that He was going to raise up the dreams and desires that I had stopped discussing with Him and set me in the promise.   But I had to give my life some margin in order to hear HIM and to allow the space to be created where I could pause and hear Him.    Recognize the ONE who can change this place for me.   

I finished my first 7 days yesterday.   What a seven days He has given me.   One of the places in my life that I found difficult is friendships.  I have numerous acquaintances but few individuals that pause with me and I feel truly safe to share my  heart and will lift those places of struggle up in prayer with me just as I would lift their areas up for them.    Social media has made the deep connections rare because we see what others in our life are doing without having to really touch base with them.   It takes the intimacy of communication away. 

Many have heard me say that I can be particular who I break bread with,  I would do best in a setting where there are strangers not pretending to be christians.  Literally I do best with the tax collectors of the world.  I think I may need to explain myself.   I wont separate myself but I see the very act of eating as intimate.  Its a time where deep conversations can happen,  laughter can be shared,  and connections become secure.    When I am at a table,  I take the conversation serious,   I like to linger,  listen,  ask questions,  laugh and take it in.   But I have found that most of my meals are just getting substance in my body.   Either solo or with individuals where the setting isn't conducive to real conversations.    Just the motions.   But if you ask me what one of my favorite things to do with those who are important,  its time together, lingering over a meal and sharing stories and laughs.       Those gifts have been few recently because peoples schedules keep them from partaking in such luxury.

This week,  God orchestrated for me to share time with four different individuals,  the first over coffee at Starbucks,  For me it was tea on a rainy evening with a friend who is new to me yet not so new.   We shared deep conversations that was a give and take, not one sided.   It was a warming to my heart and provided a start to the healing in soul.

Then I was invited over to a new friends home to have dinner with her and her husband.   We ate quickly but lingered over coffee and good conversation regarding our ABBA.   It was apparent that ABBA was trying to show us all that HE made us quirky and unique and we definitely need a tribe to walk life out with.     That we all have "hidden fire places" within us that make us unique in our beauty and through conversation we discover each ones hidden treasure.

Finally I was invited over to another friends house for lunch,  yet again, we shared a meal and a cup of hot tea and talked about life and suffering.  Listening to her story, it gave me a deeper understanding of who she was and how her quest has carved out the person she is now.   We share our ABBA and that is honestly enough because that makes us family. 

This first seven days,  ABBA filled up my love tank,   He knew I was starving for conversations of depth.   No pretense or fear that it would be used against me but we discussed HIM to the point I saw that HE was developing margin in me to be able to hear HIS voice yet He gave in abundance the very thing HE knows speaks to my soul.  Real and transparent conversations.     Makes me wonder what the second week will hold with HIM but I am excited to see. 

Today marks day 14.....  what a week....  in this week it was commitment... was I going to maintain and continue the process....  even when it felt painful and uncomfortable....   yes.... yes... I can say yes.   I can feel the clearing of the clutter in my mind begin to happen...  this week felt  like the February in an exercise regiment started on January 1st,  its hard,  the work outs still are painful,  so quit the gym.   No... push on.   I desperately want this ABBA,   I desperately want the dead places to come alive.... 

This week had a theme that started Wednesday,  when I went to first Wednesday service.  I served in the cafe and was able to enter the sanctuary on the second worship song.   I was seated in the back.  I felt immediately in HIS presence,   but I seem to always feel at HOME when I am at church.   Then I heard them... the kids worshiping,  singing from the balcony.   I have heard them before but tonight was different...  it pinched my heart...  that is how HE wants me to worship... with freedom of a child.    With total abandonment.   Arms raised,  I joined in with the kids,  HIS kids worshiping.

Then the message began....  he spoke on offense and the need for forgiveness....  and to forgive...  I was carrying so much  hurt from the previous weeks and probably in truth,  years...  saying months would be to generous.    It was time to let go and let HIM do the healing.    That I have a choice how I respond to individuals that continue to throw it my way.    I knew I was battling some anger that needed to go... this was the day to lay it out to HIM.   People with continue to throw you their shade,  but HE wont and isn't HIS actions way more important....

The next day I was reading my ARISE devotional and it was on "Sticky Trap"  which is the trap of offense.   OK, ABBA are you building a theme here...    maybe.... well yes.   The reminder was clear, this was not going to be a one time event but a continuing process.  A life choice....  I was going to have to continue to place these individuals at HIS feet because they were not going anywhere...  there will always be individuals who will reject you,  talk about you,  and treat you poorly but the one thing that can change is how you, me, respond to them.....  that is the bigger lesson. 

I was at hospice this week and the snow was pouring literally a white out....  inches....  as I was leaving I called home to say that I was coming straight home and not stopping at the store because the weather was so bad.   I could tell it was OK but not completely understood.... and I didn't know why until I was about three miles down the road,  there was very little snow and none on the roads....  What a difference a few miles make....   The lesson,  I may be in the midst of a white out but that doesn't mean everyone else is...  I may be in a storm while others are sitting on the beach enjoying the waves and sun...  He understands each season,  each place we are as individuals,  we will experience different situations at the very same time.... have compassion for the storm moments and celebrate the beach moments.... 

This week was not as easy.... but I don't think it was meant to be.... but I know one thing.... the margin in my life is helping me sense HIM more.... 

So today marks day 22....      In some ways, this has been the best of times but in others,  difficult times....     God will make beauty for these ashes and sometimes it takes refining that comes with fire.     This week held moments that were very painful but as in my studies,  He provides an out for temptation when it becomes more than we can stand.   It then becomes up to us whether we take that exit or stay and give in.     

He knew that I needed a moment this week so three of the four original players from week one showed up in this week.    Quality time is truly my biggest love language.  This week in everything I was reading,  we are encouraged to confess to some one safe.    Recommended is your spouse if you are married or a parent if you are a child.    So I asked God who to speak too.   He provided the person....  He is faithful because that could have been source of discouragement. 

This week I really learned that He created me very uniquely...  we all are unique and we should not be ashamed of who He created us to be, even when others don't accept it.   To  take steps to live real and genuine in who you are...   regardless.    That it is okay for you to pray people out your life if they are damaging.    Or to place margin when they don't choose to really hear you because He is faithful to provide flesh when you need it.

I learned that you can't change people,  that you are to love,  be obedient in what HE tells you to do but the change is between them and HIM.  I am not their savior.   Jesus is and their relationship is between them and HIM.       But people are truly broken and in pain....  even the ones who follow HIM are not immune to this and in truth,  the only action can be to lean in further to HIM.   Grab HIS hand and trust HIM to walk it out...

I am learning that this may need to be a life style and not simply 40 days...  Though I am over half way, HE has a plan in this....   He is doing something....  that I know.....

Today makes day 29.... 

This week we have had two snow storms that left a pretty good amount of snow... they have been wet snows that stay where they land.   Making everything appear fresh and clean...  new....

The first storm of the week I was in in a panic... I really couldn't tell you why...  I kept looking at the weather channel app,  hoping just hoping it would change,  go around us....  avoid us.   I don't know why I was so panicky because I am blessed to have a vehicle that handles the snow,   I have driven in the snow hundreds of times....  but I felt panicked by it and really wanted it pass us by....  it didn't.    I kept being reminded of the verses in the Bible where Jesus is asleep in the boat when a horrible storm is rocking the boat and scaring the disciples.    They wake HIM up and ask Him if He is aware there is a storm.    He speaks to the storm and requires peace.   It happens immediately.     I realized that He was telling me He is with me regardless,  that we can't avoid all the storms in our life.  We have to go through them....  trust Him.   

Both storms I noticed that deer were playing in are yard,  in two different places you could see where they were wrestling with each other.    It had to happen during the night at some point, but you could see the places in the yard where the wrestling occurred.    I heard the whisper,  the places you wrestle with ME  Ginger leaves places in your fields....  it effects others around you.... they may not see the wrestling but they can see the places that it occurred.     The thing is,  those deer were not still out in my yard this morning,   they had moved on.   God doesn't want me to stay in those places,  He wants to me to talk to HIM about it and move forward.  Move on. 

I am a compassionate person,  part of what I learned this week that there are people in this world that play on that compassion.  When you don't know that line and know when you are being played and manipulated,  you become fatigued in this area.    That is part of the wrestling, trying to find the balance or where the line is....  God wants you to love people,  you are to have compassion but when the demand is out of someone else's distorted place,  He doesn't expect you to be abused or drained.   I read where He tells you there is a time you are to shake the dust off of your feet and move on.   You have to leave them to HIM.    I always want to be available for HIS true ministry,  to be HIS hands and HIS feet,  but I am learning to ask HIM.   I am asking for the line.    He tells us when a person who says they are a follower of HIM and are sinning,  we gently guide them,  if they listen,  we have gained a brother,  a sister,  but if they don't we can walk away.

I am thankful for the margin that has been created....  it is allowing me to concentrate on other things and the fog is clearing off....    I so want authentic relationship with HIM.   He knows that desire is deep and HE is honoring.    He always brings beauty in the storms that feel so strong.     For that I am thankful.

Today made day 35

In May of 2017,  it was the weekend of the 14 I heard  my Pastor talk about her daughter who was 11,  I am thinking,  she was facing some difficult things ahead and she was reading her Bible and she read it through in the matter of weeks.    It was like an arrow hitting my heart.   Here is this 11 year old girl who read the Bible through in weeks and I had not read it  through once and I am like a lot older.  I felt God whispering and challenging me to do so.    I started reading  and as of today I finished reading the whole Bible.    I thought I would cheer loudly but I realized I need to do it again and again and again....

During these months I have faced a multitude of death of employees,  family,  friends.... and even new friends.....     I honestly believe that in continuing to read His word that it brought peace during all of this....  I cried and I have grieved but I know that He has carried me.   

I have learned that HE is so faithful to us....  we are more than brats but HE still loves and chooses us.   His anger isn't from a place of evil or hatred but from a place of purest of loves.

I have more questions than when I started but yet more answers than I expected.   His word is so active and alive....   last night I was thinking on someone and I heard the whisper... love covers a multitude of sins....  this morning when I was completing my Arise devotional the scripture given was I Peter 4:7-9 and there it was,  love covers a multitude of sins.   He was confirming what was in my heart the night before....  telling me that loving a person will bring the forgiveness that is needed.
That is word alive when that happens....

There was another line in the devotional that hit my heart.... "If you wait until you don't have  troubles to shine your light, the enemy will make sure you continue to have one fight after another"   that regardless of what is happening in my world I must choose to be the light....   choose to walk in His way and will... 

I remember being taught the rules,  the does and the don'ts of being a Christian...  but when you read His word,  you realize that rules having nothing to do with it....  it is His grace and His mercy,  He showed it all the way through... even when they were rebellious,  He was faithful. 

This week held a lot sadness but I knew He was near.... He was not distant....   He has carried me all the way and when He lets me down to walk and I want to run,  He is right beside me.    He has given me strength and peace when it didn't feel natural to do so....     He has taught me that compassion should not have conditions or be measured out by who or what....  that He doesn't measure it out and neither should I.     

So today I hit day 40!!  I would like to say it was a huge celebration but in truth,  I realized it was just the beginning.   I realized that this week contain two large completions, first the 10 month to completely read the Bible and 40 Arise Journey.   I realized that completion doesn't mean the end but but just a new beginning.   

I was walking into work this week and I saw the reflection of the sign that said "Like us on Facebook" and I thought how often have I advertised that same statement,  'Like Me'   and attempted to find my worth in whether I was being liked or in truth what really matters was that I was not only liked but loved by the creator of this universe, the creator of me....  that I wanted to reflect HIM and not what the world demands. 

The devotional was excellent and truly Abba whispering to me to take a break....  I was pleasantly surprised because in truth this had potential to be painful....  there were moments that I was discouraged because I don't have children,  I don't have a spouse....  but God spoke to me and I know without a shadow of a doubt these days were a gift from HIM.   

I am not ready to end the margin that was created and really plan to maintain a better and healthier margin.    I am starting a new 60 day devotional because I feel I need to continue to place the distance.    I have an addiction to peoples pleasing and it needs to be broken.   This morning in reading the last devotional and seeing the tomb stone that reminded us that we only have one life to live,  then this evening meeting an individual whose story was they never really lived and never really found joy in living prompts me that I need to pursue Him even deeper.   I don't want to finish this life and not have influenced it somehow and someway.  I also need to seek Abba in making some decisions for what is ahead for me...     

The dead places are coming back to life,  the word HE gave me at the beginning of this, remains confirmation for what is ahead.    He is telling His daughter to Arise,  He is speaking to all those places and bringing life so that I may share true genuine life for all those HE places in my path.