02-20-17

I don't even know where to start.... where to begin.... 

 

On my way to church yesterday I heard the song "Mended" by Matthew West.   The lyrics go:

How many times can one heart break?

It was never supposed to be this way

Look in the mirror, but you find someone

you never thought you'd be

 

Oh, but I can still recognize

The one I love in your tear stained eyes

I know you might not see him now, so lift

your eyes to me.

 

When you see broken beyond repair

I see healing beyond belief

When you see too far gone

I see one step away from home

 

When you see nothing but damaged goods

I see something good in the making

I'm not finished yet

When you see wounded, I see mended

 

These words hit deep....  then I went and I heard three messages on the love that God has for us... How He sees us..... 

 

I found myself praying,  Abba I believe, help my unbelief..... Help me to know You have this....You have me.....   You see me....

 

Hannah came to my mind this morning,  her husbands other wife found every opportunity to ridicule and point out her bareness.  To the point Hannah could not eat or drink.   Her husband didn't understand the depth of Hannah's sorrow...   So Hannah went to the temple where she sought our Abba,  she was crying from the depth of her heart

 

       "Hannah was speaking in her heart, only her lips moved, and her voice was not heard. Therefore

         Eli took her to be a drunken woman. and ELI said to her 'how long will you go on being drunk?

         put your wine away from you'  But Hannah answered, 'No, my lord, I am a woman troubled 

         in spirit. I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I have been pouring out my soul

         before the LORD. Do not regard your servant as a worthless woman, for all along I have been

         speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation"

 

Her words "Do not regard your servant as a worthless woman...."   hit deep in my soul...

Abba Father.....  I have so many questions....  my soul understands the depth of anxiety of being a woman that is childless.... husbandless.....   screaming out from the depths  please do not see me as a worthless woman....   I have worth....through YOU Abba, I have worth.   But  Abba, I feel like Hannah being misread but Eli... going to the temple crying out.  Seeking your face...  not asking for your hand but needing to see Your eyes....  to see Your face... to know You hear me...  that I have worth in You.      Abba, the world defines worth differently than You....   but their voices scream so loud...  I feel the arrows of the eyes judging but the mouth never asking or the ear not listening.  Just sensing the dismissal without being heard.  Abba, I like Hannah cry to YOU.   Longing to be heard by YOU.... by someone....   but by YOU.   I heard what was being said yesterday.... It was from You, that I know....  Abba,  I know you have placed me.... I don't question that at all....  You have a purpose.  But help me not feel worthless....  damaged goods....  help me to know I am heard.... I need YOU.....   I need You