July 2, 2016

Just about every morning I wake up thinking that maybe today is the day....  

 "The one who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, will have living water flow from deep within" John 7:38   

I look up into the sky every morning like I am looking for writing in the sky.....  asking questions.... searching up for answers....

Where have I missed something....  why isn't the living water overflowing out of me....  Why isn't living existing in me other than motions....


This time last year I was walking 8 miles straight for the first time in my life,  where did that girl go.... she didn't have it all together but surely better than the one that is typing now...  I could feel myself falling into that dark place.... 

I reminded myself that morning is when the heart is more vulnerable,  more willing to listen...  more truth than pretend....  It is when He woo's more and maybe I am more willing to approach....or more willing to grab the mask and hide....      I reminded myself that everything is a decision....  everything.....  go this way or not....  eat this or that,   read or do laundry.   Feel sad or move to run from it.....  

I guess I should be thankful that I am feeling anything, that numbness hasn't completely taken over....    feeling something is better than nothing....   

So, I decide to go watch my nephews championship game...  he is 8 and it is first year of little league.   I love watching him....  the excitement.....  and he loves playing.... just about any sport he has the opportunity to play.   They were leading when the other team tied the game and it went into an extra inning.    He hit an amazing ball into left field....  he was so pumped....  he stopped on second because the base coach stopped him per the rules.     The next and the last guy hit the ball and was taken out at first base.   They lost the game by one point.   Some kids were upset and were crying,  not my nephew,  he was just happy to be playing and enjoyed the game for what it was.... a game.  

Going to his game changed my perspective....   the adults were getting hyped and fussing... critiquing,  but the kids were having the time of their lives...  one for the books.     I began to wonder when I became the to intense adult....  the one screaming for fairness and justice in a bad call... 

I sat in quiet....  taking it in.... enjoying the moment.     One of the little boys was so upset at losing that he had a hard time getting it together....  but once he heard it was ok and he did good,  he looked at both my nephews and said "hey lets go slide the bases...."   they all took off running to slide in the dirt....  it was over for them....  no baggage going with them....  going to go play and get dirtier than they already were.....     when did we stop shaking it off and see it as just a game,  not taking in the confirmation that all is well, we did good.... and drop the regret and go play and slide the bases...

Maybe what I was feeling this morning was just the missing of kid living....  not trying to please but just simply taking in the moment and playing the game....  taking it in,  the right now in....  maybe the fight for justice was never meant to be mine....    that taking this role of adulating way too serious.... weren't we created for adventure....  didn't HE create us more....   that the rivers are really churning deep within,  that maybe this was the feeling I woke up with....  that looking up for guidance and answers was HIM calling me to get up and live and allow the waters that run deep to come out and stop trying to control the flow through controlling so much... adulting so seriously....  grasping with clinched hand....   

It really is all a decision....  letting the river flow or building a dam to restrict the flow, thinking that this is what adults are suppose too do....    or simply letting Him decide the day....

I don't have this figured out today,  that's for sure.... but I know this.... for sure,  He may have not wrote it in the sky but He did open my heart to make a good decision....  go watch a group of kids who have living down right.... and may they never lose it.....