30 Years...
Honestly, I think it is allowed to give time to stop and look what is around, to look at the path that my steps are being taken on and asking. Is this the right direction. I know, I know, to deep for my own good but honestly, I am glad that He created me that way, because it helps me to know what is very superficial in my life to choose to do differently then to continue to walk it out being afraid to face the changes that are needed....
I have been reading this devotional on pain on YouVersion app on my phone, it swings you over to hear a devotional on the Abide app. Lots of switching to get you to hear that pain is a necessity in our lives, without it we don't know to run from the things, situations, and people who can destroy us. But sometimes we run from the pain that can prune us, change us and make us better people, help us to walk closer to Jesus. We make quick decisions and changes in order to avoid the pain He wants to use to make us better stronger.....
This past Monday, I met an old friend from my high school days, he is older then me but was my best friend.... we attended the same church during that time period. This was the first intentional conversation with him in three decades. I saw this time as a gift but I also wish the conversation would have happened decades ago, because maybe, just maybe life would have been different. But I have to quickly remind myself that God knew the plan and the decades that needed to happen in between.
You see, we share an experience that neither the other knew to the depth in which it caused damage for the other. We only saw our individual pain. We both experienced hurt from our church. I didn't know what a Pharisee was at that time, what it meant to be religious and not have relationship. I didn't know people who were to lead were just humans that failed the same way that I did. I saw them on a stool standing higher then me, having a more direct access to God then me and when they said I was a sinner and that I displeased God, I believed them.
I remember wearing shorts that my mom approved of but my church didn't, and if you know my mom, they were modest in all forms. I remember my mom buying me the Rick Springfield cassette because I loved the song Jessie's Girl, as a reward for taking and acing my ACT. But my pastors daughter ripping it out and destroying it as she told me that I was going to hell for liking that kind of music.
These were just a few examples, I could share more but in truth may have already shared too much..... nowhere was I taught that He loved me.... that HIS grace and mercy covered a multitude of my sins. Nor did anyone share that I had direct access to HIM because of Jesus and salvation that HE brought provided. I was just told about how sinful I was, how I wasn't pleasing to HIM. It caused a decade of separation for me and the church. It did the same for my friend.... but I didn't know, he didn't know either....
We didn't share because we didn't talk to each other, the same foolishness drives a wedge between our friendship and between our selves and God. It was a level of pain that caused a lot of wrong choices and decisions. Instead of allowing it to cause me to run to God, it caused me to run away and not face it, not see if for what it was.... not face it and allow HIM to use it....
I think during this time period and the continual run from pain and from truth, a lot of things were robbed from me, dreams and experiences were stolen because I choose to hold on to what they told me what truth was and not seek it out for myself.... or to ask the ONE that could have given it to me, or face the lies for what they were really were....
What is sad is that it couldn't be shared with anyone because of fear of interpretation, how it would be interpreted and held against me. Maybe if him and I shared our experiences with each other we could have seen the lies for what they were.... and how often has this same game of silence and fear of transparency still get played out. Fear to be real and transparent with each other.... so it takes us thirty years down the road before it can be brought to the table.
How much pretense exists.... because of our fear..... our fear to be real.... our fear of interpretation...
I call the picture The Evening of Reprieve, thought it was applicable for this post, our meeting brought reprieve, time to reflect. I was blown away that we interpreted that season in our lives the same way... that the damage was very similar... I thought it was a gift from God to let me know that I wasn't wrong in my interpretation of the damage of that season. But what makes me sad is that it took 30 years for this conversation to happen....
How often has this been repeated, who are the other people that I need to have conversations with.... what areas am I still running in, making decisions in order to avoid the transparency of facing truth and allowing HIM to make changes rather than run and avoid....
I do know that there is one thing that is different now then then, I know the difference between religion and relationship.... I know His mercy and grace.... I know that to place anyone on a stool above HIM and above myself is setting oneself for failure... we are all equal in His eyes because He is love and sees us that way, in love. His mercy and grace isn't dependent on my actions of work but is a gift because of HIS sacrifice, and HE wants me to stop running from the fear, to be real regardless and allow others interpretation to not matter but to bring them to HIM so HE can expose what is truth and what is deception because of selfish gain.
What a journey this is, continual and not ending.... but I pray that I don't allow thirty years again to pass before I seek a conversation out for truth....
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